life of dork

2005-09-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

What do You Do?

My dog is dead. She's been the family dog since I was in 3rd grade. She's been a member of the family so long it is hard to imagine life without her. She was 18 years old. She was cuddled up next to her favorite toy, a stuffed Alf puppet from when she was a year or two old and burger king was giving them away. I was a huge Alf fan, but she thought it was her new chew toy. We've had to look for them all over at every garage sale, because they never last long. Accept this one, because this was her (and my) first Alf puppet. I held her as the vet put her to sleep. I cried.

2005-09-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

Seizure...

So, after (actually, while...) giving my loved and loving wife a foot massage, I had a seizure. Check that, multiple seizures. I'm not epileptic, nor do I have brain trauma sufficient to cause seizures, as per a cat scan, spinal tap, eeg, and mri. I happened to be following Dr.'s directions, and I found out that 1% chance of seizure is still a chance. A doctor had prescribed a non-narcotic pain reliever and a non-habit forming sleep-aid. I have since found out that when you combine these two medicines, you have about 1% chance of seizure. Lucky ole' me. Did the doctor tell me this? No. Am I bitter? Slightly. After replaying the scenario a few times, it turns out I had 3 or 4 seizures back-to-back. Didn't wet myself, but frankly, I don't care. I have found out that Seizures don't cause any lethal brain activity. What kills you is the fact that you generally don't breath. Even including the incredible pain associated, the worst part is knowing how much pain and fear my wife experienced. She said that I was turing grey during my second seizure, since I was breathing. She said after that one, I started rasping out that I loved her, and it sounded like I was saying my goodbyes. I am crying right now just thinking about it. Funny. A guy who used to not fear death, who actually prayed for it during drug addiction, and now the thought of a near death experience makes me cry. I still don't fear death. I'm not a tough-guy or anything. I just know that I have a greater reward waiting for me. I don't yearn for it, because I know that while I'm here I can try to do God's will, and maybe help others along the way. But my wife witnessing a near death moment,, and how much it scared her, makes me cry. Now, don't get me wrong, the physical pain is pretty bad too. Every voluntary muscle in my body screams with pain. I had never experienced a true migrane before. I used to always hate when people throw the term around casually, being willing to call any bad headache a migrane, but I know a true, excrutiating migrane is. They're no fun.

If nothing else, this has kinda helped me to put my life in perspective. I am not allowed to drive for 6 months, even though the seizure was almost proven to be a bad choice of medicine combinations, along with taking tub-baths (not that I was ever really a big fan of them anyway). However, the driving part is going to be pretty hard. Also, I haven't been in the hospital or had a spinal tap (more accurately called a lumbar puncture) since I was in second grade. I did get special treatment since my wife works at the hospital, but she also got plenty of chops-busting. I promise you that I was only giving her a foot massage (although it was a great one), but her older female co-workers refused to believe that. Things like "You need to give me some lessons so I can spice up my sex life" were commonly said. She was jokingly called "the girl who sleeps with one of the patients" etc.

Long story short, I had a few seizures. It was kinda scary for me, very much for my wife. It also hurt very much.

2005-08-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

So what's next, huh?

As always, the constant question on my mind. Over the past few weeks, a lot of things have occurred, and yet it seems none of them have changed my daily routine. I have taken steps to pursue my education as a licensed chemical dependency counselor. I have talked to friends about a church that is going to be started on my side of town, and how my wife and I can help and be a part of it. I have also talked to other them and other people about how to be more involved with the church we are going to now. I have helped set up for for my wife and me moving out of our current apartment. I do housework. Yet still, I feel like I'm not getting enough done. I sometimes get this helpless feeling, because right now we are down to one working car (my car was in a little accident, and is now out of inspection, it never worked that well to begin with, and now will take a lot of work to get it to pass inspection, which we can not afford...). My father-in-;aw, as always, has a connection with a couple car dealerships, therefore we will be able to get a car soon, but until we get our rent knocked out (by moving), we wouldn't be able to afford a car, since going to school doesn't pay very well.
It's weird, I've always had this thing about being car-less. At one point, when I was in Virginia, I had temporarily lost my car. I had this feeling of helplessness because anywhere I went, I was stranded and at the mercy of others. When you have no way to get around and you live in a town with no family and no friends close enough that you know you can always count on them, it can get kind of depressing having to spend all your evenings reading books. Granted, this was when I was still drinking and really felt the need to not be alone, and wanted to be able to go over to other peoples' houses and such. Eventually, I saved up enough money to regain access to my vehicle (it had gotten towed while I was away, and it was racking up hundreds of dollars in storage fees). However, there was a huge hole in the radiator, and I couldn't afford to replace it. Luckily, I had a dremel tool, a portable blow-torch, some tuper-ware, along with a childhood filled with McGyver, so I got it fixed. However, this was to happen a few times. Something would happen to my car, I couldn't afford to fix it, and had no use of it, therefore had no way to get around. Granted, this time is easier, because my wife's car works, it's just not very convenient to get around sometimes, because I have to work around her schedule. Really, it's not hard at all, because right now, I have very little schedule to coordinate.

Now, I know that this must all be a part of God's plan for me, but I have to admit, it gets kinda frustrating. Which brings me to my ever present question of: what's next? I hate being stuck in a holding pattern, because I get this feeling like I'm not getting enough accomplished. I know that in my life there is a lot to get accomplished, being a counselor, going to seminary, starting a church, helping my wife take over her dad's business, have children etc. I wonder if the reason I keep wanting to have kids is because that's one thing that I have some control over.

2005-08-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

And away I go... This is it. A week with so much stuff going on, I don't have enough time to cram it all in. Let's just say life's been interesting.